When I got back into my car after BVNA Congress, there was a programme on the radio discussing bereavement. A comment made by one of the participants resonated with me, he said ‘grief is the final incarnation of love’ — I thought about my dear dog Momo who died aged 13 in 2021, and wondered whether having a more positive view on grief as a natural and loving process would have been helpful. Little did I know that by the end of the week I would lose another dear companion — my beloved Poodle aged 16 became progressively unwell, and was euthanased on the Friday. Was it useful to think about grief as my final gift of love? Possibly, but the thought hasn't removed the pain I feel at losing him, and the aching sadness at the sight of his empty bed.
Anyone losing a pet will be aware that there is a huge variation in the response of others to death of your pet — a friend of mine who lost her dog last year told me that she didn't tell anyone for months in the fear that they would play down what to her was a hugely significant and distressing event. There is a feeling of embarrassment in mourning what was ‘only a dog’. There may also be feelings of guilt associated with the decision to euthanase.
The Blue Cross' Coping with the loss of a pet? acknowledges that ‘Grieving for the loss of a pet, whether through death or enforced separation, can be a very sad and difficult experience’ (https://www.bluecross.org.uk/sites/default/files/d8/2022-05/2288346798%20-%20PBSS%20Coping%20with%20loss%20for%20adults%20and%20children%20info%20sheet.pdf). The Blue Cross has produced a number of downloadable leaflets as part of their Pet Bereavement Support Service which may be useful to owners in practice following the loss of a pet. The leaflets urge bereaved owners not to ignore the pain as bottling up your feelings will only make matters worse in the long run. To heal you need to actively face your grief.
A book published by CABI Companion animal bereavement (Garner, 2021) has a chapter on communicating with distressed owners. The book outlines some communication pathways aimed at ameliorating the destabilising effects of grief: these focus on creating a safe place, letting the need lead, awareness of non-verbal communication, effective listening and giving clear information. The book states ‘It is not that you need to find the perfect set of words to comfort a distressed owner at any given moment, but your approach will make a difference, wherein genuine empathy, natural human warmth and kindness become powerful tools'. Bereaved owners feel vulnerable and the attitudes and approach of the staff in practice will make a huge difference to how they feel. When communicating with distressed owners, take your cue from them and respond accordingly, treating them with respect, understanding and empathy. It is likely to become difficult for the owner who is upset to think clearly. Therefore, explain things simply, allowing time for them to absorb what you are saying.
I took my dog in for the final appointment of the day. We discussed the euthanasia process, the cremation and the vessel for his remains. The vet listened to my desire to hold him in my arms without a muzzle, he didn't rush me and as my dog took his final breaths I had some time alone to say goodbye.
I would like to thank the vets and nurses at my practice, the young woman on reception who handed me his ashes while I wept uncontrollably, and the lovely dog owner who held and comforted me while I was crippled with pain. I would like to thank you all — you do this for your patients and clients every week. You make a difference to pets and owners everywhere at their greatest time of need.