At a time when our world is rapidly changing, it is more important than ever to lean in and be there for each other and for ourselves.
Over the past couple of weeks, I have been coaching a lot of people on very similar issues; concerns and challenges faced by the COVID-19 pandemic — controlling the uncertainty, the ifs, the buts and the maybes, people feeling stressed, wobbly and unclear about what may happen next, the financial implications, health impacts, logistical disruptions, normal routines and ways of working changing immeasurably. During our recent VDS Training Sunday Surgery hour (7pm every Sunday evening) we discussed the principles of taking back control and controlling the controllables and I would like to share a potted version of this with you in this short article.
Before we begin, it is important to highlight that in order to manage expectations from the outset, I can only help with the things you can control. Those may have changed from what they were yesterday or last week, or to be honest with you within the last hour!
We are working and living through unprecedented times. There is so much uncertainty and so many unknowns that one size does not fit all, and no magic wand will make it all better! However, there are certainly things we can all do to help.
Role modelling
You may feel wobbly inside (and that's okay) but that does not mean this can't be your time to shine. By adopting a role model mindset, you can optimise your health; demonstrate a positive attitude; show compassion; set the emotional tone for your sphere of influence; remain calm and conscientious; and lead to exemplify the values and habits, service and humanity you believe in. So, some questions to consider:
- Who do you need to be a good role model for in this time — your team, your colleagues, your children, your parents, your family?
- What does that role model look like?
- Are you being the role model you want to be? What needs to happen to be the calm, confident, concerned but pragmatic person rather than the tearful stressed parent — disclaimer here, I have certainly been this one in the last week!
- How do you want to remember this time? What mindset, what attitude, what actions and what choices will you make and take?
Exercise: your concerns
Get a piece of paper and write down your thoughts as they come to you:
- What are you concerned and worried about during this time?
- What makes you feel sick, anxious, keeps you up at night?
- What is draining your energy levels?
- What is making you tearful and/or tired, distracted and/or distanced?
Take a look at everything you have written down and ask yourself of everything on my list:
- Is this in my control?
- For everything you answer yes to here, put a tick next to it on your list
- Could I influence this?
- For everything you answer yes to here, put a star next to it on your list
- Is this out of my control and I am unable to influence it?
- For everything you answer yes to here, leave a space next to it on your list.
Remember that, in reality, the only things that we can control are our mind and our actions: what we choose to think; what we choose to say; how we choose to feel, which can positively influence how we then feel and what we choose to do.
Sometimes there are elements of a situation that we can influence but not control, such as our interactions with other people. We might be able to influence other people through our own behaviour; however, ultimately, we cannot control what they do, nor what they think of us.
The control, influence, acceptance (CIA) model (Thompson and Thompson, 2018) (Figure 1) is a thinking construct that takes this principle further. It is a useful tool for helping us to navigate challenges, roadblocks and hurdles.
Depending on your answers to the above questions and whether you have a tick, star or space next to your concern/worry, the model then shows us that we have a choice of either action or response.
Taking action
If the situation is within your control, it is up to you and no-one else to choose what action to take in order to move forwards; essentially, it is your responsibility. Take a look at the concern and ask yourself: what could you do to minimise or remove this from your list, to take back control and feel a little more settled about it? Examples of things that are under your control are presented in Box 1.
Box 1.Things you can control
- Be kind and compassionate to yourself and your immediate family and friends
- Wash your hands
- Limit your travel
- Social (physical) distancing
- Limit news and source of news consumption
- Virtual connections with those that matter
- Wear gloves when out at the petrol pumps
- Wipe down phones
Acceptance
When situations are out of our control, we need to practice acceptance. This does not mean we have to actively like the situation or to give up, it simply means that we need to accept it rather than expend mental, emotional or physical energy fighting it or being upset by it. If we do not accept it, we end up with negative emotions and feeling drained by it, which does not help either us or the situation.
It is important to note that practising acceptance does not mean you do not care about the situation. The question to ask yourself is always: ‘can I control this situation and if not, what attitude is going to help me move forwards effectively?’ Examples of things that are not under your control are presented in Box 2.
Box 2.What is not under your control
- Accuracy of statistics being published or shared
- What others post on social media
- What others do
- Presence of uncertainty
- How the pandemic evolves
- When this will all end
Prioritise your wellbeing
It is crucial in this time of challenge and uncertainty to prioritise your wellness. We all need to be the happiest and healthiest — mentally, physically and emotionally — that we can be during this time, so think about:
- What can you do to influence this?
- How will you look after yourself?
- What would work for you?
I have been coaching a lot of people during this time, helping them to work out strategies and routines that put them back into the driving seat and make them feel more in control of what they are seeing, what they are doing and how they are feeling. If you would like to arrange a time to speak, please email me on ccrowe@vds-training.co.uk.
Conclusions
Remember only you can control how you think, feel and behave. In times of uncertainty when it can feel hard to plan, when our normal routines are thrown into the air, it is essential for us to pause, and to really focus on the things we can do and influence, to reframe the challenges. So get that pen and paper, write your list and ask yourself what could and what will I do next to feel more settled and in control.
KEY POINTS
- Understanding and writing down what your current concerns and challenges are is the first step to start to address them.
- You can only control what you say, what you do, how you behave and the actions you take.
- Focusing on the things you can control and making choices on the actions you can take to remove or reduce their impact on you will reduce your anxiety and put you back in control of what you can control.
- For the things that are out of your control and you are unable to influence, it is important to learn to accept and choose how you will respond to the situation and to learn to choose to move on.
- You are not alone, help is out there, if you are struggling with your emotions and practicalities of the current situation, reach out and seek help.